"I wish my parents had challenged me," a friend of mine said.
"Yeah?" I asked.
"Yeah, no matter how I did in school, my grades -- even all Cs -- were fine with them. They never told me that I could do better than that. I'm kind of sad about it."
As we talked I imagine a climbing rose bush in full bloom.
"I get that. It's like they never said, 'I see your potential.' A gardener wouldn't challenge a plant to grow up a trellis if he didn't see its potential to climb. Helping children find their gifts and offering structure for them is central to parenting. Showing that we are OK with where they are and inspiring them to get to where they want to be says 'I love you' and 'I see your gifts'."
I heard, "You can be anything you want to be," growing up. I found it to be a crippling refrain primarily because I wasn't permitted to want. And I wasn't provided structure. (Luckily, there were a couple of trees in my environment so I found my own way.)
Growth requires a balance between nurture and structure, a balance between "I love you," "I see you" and here's your trellis, together you'll learn to climb it. One day you'll bloom.
What do you consider to be your natural gifts? Are you in bloom? One of the best ways to show our children how to bloom is to bloom ourselves: to know our gifts, and to use them.
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6 comments:
Once again, a great post! I can't really add anything more, because you've really said it all here!
That post connected with me. I actually have parents who always pushed me to try harder, and as a child I saw that as being mean instead of what, as you said so well, them seeing my potential and trying to offer me a trellis. So to my own demise I grew along the ground for years before I saw my own potential. Thank you for the post. It was so beautifully written.
You reminded me of the "balance in all things" disclaimer I like to add to my posts :) I do want to inspire my children by reflecting their potential to them. I don't want to come across as mean, perhaps firm and unmovable in my conviction, but in a nurturing way.
more to ponder on the subject.
I wonder how your parents encouraged you. Was it by focusing on what you did well or by focusing on what you did "wrong"? I think there is a crucial difference.
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thank you both for your comments!!
This very much resonated with me also, Em... it must be a narrow and wobbly tightrope to walk, for a parent, between being too supportive & not support enough... as I will no doubt learn!
I also grew up being imparted with the message, "you can be anything you want," alongside an almost unspoken, "it doesn't matter if you succeed or fail - we'll love you just the same" - which made me feel very supported and cossetted and loved, but I think it's fair to say I also wasn't particularly "challenged." I did reasonably well at school & college, but I know I could've done better... and I've carried this pattern forward into adulthood, such that I find it so difficult to push myself to succeed at anything, let alone allow anyone else to push me...
I have a feeling parenthood is going to teach me so much about myself! ;)
The premise on which I write this blog is that as we encourage the gifts within our children we open opportunities to bring them in out in ourselves ... and vice versa ;)
I am applying to doctoral programs (did I just write that? that's the first time I've written those words) I find a lot of opposition from myself ... so much so that I almost didn't apply. Then I thought about my boys and how much it'll mean to them to have a mom who 1. went after it and got it or 2, went after it, didn't get it and has that experience to build on ;)
Indeed! Trying things & learning from the outcome, whatever it is, is a valuable lesson we can teach our children... ;)
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