Virtue of the Week: Patience

Patience is built on trust.

Should the tree give up on spring
his beauty remains a secret within.
By holding on till the days are long,
his strength and softness, both are known.

"I just wasn't born patient."

I've never met an infant who suppressed her natural urge to cry because she was patient. Patience isn't determined by genes alone (no matter what our genetics say about our patience potential) patience is acquired through practice.

Linda Kavelin Popov wrote in The Family Guide to Virtues:

"Patience is quiet hope and expectation based on trust that, in the end, everything will be all right. Patience means waiting. It is enduring a delay or troublesome situation without complaining."

My infant and my three year old occupy two worlds under one roof. The infant is learning that when he cries he gets what he wants when he wants it; The three year old is learning that even though he says please, he doesn't necessarily get what he wants, and usually not when he wants it.What a paradigm shift! Just think, each of us moves from an age when our life depends on quick gratification of our wants and needs to an age when living depends upon working and waiting for gratification of our wants and needs (sorted and selected based on priority).

We're adults, we've had years to practice patience, and for the most part we've got it down right? Well, if you're like me, your answer ranges from "for the most part" to "are you crazy?" So what changes? Why is it that for some things we wait with a "quiet hope" and for others the time between now and then is too long to endure? There are many well-researched answers to this question, and then there's mine: My answer is "trust".

One of the most concise statements I've heard about trust is that it "is built over time through reliability and consistency."

The most reliable and consistent strokes, described by Eric Berne as any single unit of recognition, often are the negative ones. Simply described, strokes are either positive or negative and are given for being or doing. Any time a child seeks a positive stroke for doing or being, she is taking a risk that there will be a response from her parents. Think of the many times that parents glimpse over six "A"s (opportunities for positive strokes) to comment about the one "C". So, often, our negative experiences are the most consistently and reliably reinforced by negative strokes. Whereas our positive experiences -- think of the child who worked hard for the one "A" on the report card, and despite her pride, her parents didn't even notice it among the other grades -- may or may not go overlooked.

So how does this relate to patience? (The following answer reflects my personal experience described in Transactional Analysis terms.)

I find that as a mother I am usually patient. But every once in a while my older son will do something that triggers a response, all of a sudden I replace patience with panic. (1) Have you experienced this non-patient panicky feeling? If so, what was going on at the time? (Perhaps you were panicking in the grocery line or at a home filled with chores.)

According to transactional analysis theory there is a Parent, Adult, and Child ego state in all of us. When I am parenting, I operate largely from my Parent, the ego state that stores information learned from my parents and other central figures. My Adult and Child also aid my parenting. For instance, my Adult, the data processing ego state, helps me make good decisions and my Child, the set of behaviors, thoughts, and feelings stored from my childhood, helps me connect with my own child through play.

Stored within my Child ego states are memories, some of them formed before I could make sense of them with words, so instead, I experience them as feelings. Some of my most reliably and consistently reinforced feelings, since they are associated with negative strokes and the behaviors that earned them, are negative. Therefore, when I see my son acting in a way that got me in trouble, the Child within panics, and in an effort to "save" him works to shut down that behavior. (2) When you experienced the panic reported in question one, what was your scare? What were you thinking about yourself and others around you? What did you think would happen?

I work to shut down the behavior so that he won't experience what I experienced when I was punished. So, for example rather than help my son learn to clean up his own mess, which takes time, I quickly clean it myself before someone (presumably a parent who isn't there) comes in, sees it, and scolds me for being clumsy -- again. That experience is what I learned to trust would come from my environment. It is a panic-inducing experience.

I return to the quote above: "Patience is quiet hope and expectation based on trust that, in the end, everything will be all right." Well, when I'm in that state, I don't feel like everything will be all right. I feel like I have to hurry up and take care of things. I don't even know what all right even looks like.

It took me thinking about the situation at a later time to realize that instead of reacting as if a parent could burst in and chastise my son that I would like to think, "What a wonderful learning opportunity. I will show him how to clean up the mess himself while telling him that accidents are just that, accidents, we make them and we move on." I would have appreciated that approach at a young age. And why wouldn't this be possible? After all I am the parent in this scenario so I get to decide how things go. (3) What would you like to think and do instead of panic and hurry up to solve the problem as if a tiger were chasing your tail?

Since I am the grown up and the one in charge of how the situation goes I can switch my trust from my memories to me. When I trust that I can handle the situation, I am patient. Of course, if I am in a new situation and there is cause for fear, like a tiger chasing my tail, I likely won't be patient and that panic would serve me well. But usually, I know that even new situations turn out all right. (4) What will it take for you to feel safe from the imaginary or remembered tiger (replace tiger with parent or whatever is appropriate) and place your trust in yourself -- in your worth, value, and your abilities to carry out the thoughts and actions you would like to have?

When I demonstrate patience to my sons, and when they learn to trust me (through reliability and consistency), then they will find a "quiet hope" that "everything will be all right."

My quiet hope is that my sons grow into adults who trust themselves and demonstrate the patience they need to carry out their hearts' desires. I hope the same for you.

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