5. Nobody asked for help.
4. You are doing for someone what he/she can do for him/herself.
3. You are wondering how you are doing instead of how the person you are helping is doing.
2. You are giddy with excitement about how much you'll be appreciated.
1. You resent the other person.
There are exceptions to everything, so keep that in mind, but in general I think this is a good guide. Perhaps we should all keep cheat sheets in our wallets -- especially we parents. No matter how young or old our children are we have a tendency to want to make their lives easier. But we don't do that without a cost.
An important part of intimate relationships is that neither person is in a predominately helper (rescuer) or helpless (victim) role (Hmmm ... where's the persecutor?).
On the other hand, nobody wants to be in a relationship in which neither party shows a little spontaneous appreciation or sign of affection ... so take the above top five with a grain of salt and balance it with some awareness of what's going on between you and others and some spontaneous acts of love and kindness, and you've got some nice intimate relationships built by equal individuals.
By the way, Rescuers (notice the capital R, this will help distinguish the role of rescuing from actually rescuing, as will the capital V in Victim and P in Persecutors), Persecutors, and Victims often switch roles in what Eric Berne identified as games.
The following conversation is an example of a game with a R to V switch:
Mother: I’m sorry, but I won’t be able to make it to the beach house until tomorrow night and maybe not at all because my car needs new breaks. I’m so sad. I’ve looked forward to this for months and now my whole trip is ruined. (Mother opens with the VICTIM position by discounting her ability to solve the problem.)
Daughter: What about taking Dad’s car instead? (Daughter responds from the RESCUER position, also discounting mother’s ability to think and enlarging her ability to solve someone else’s problem.)
Mother: I’ve already thought of that and with my sore ankle, I don’t think I could make it with the clutch.
Daughter: What about Casey’s car Just trade with her.?
Mother: That car isn’t comfortable on long trips.
Daughter: Why don’t you rent a car?
Mother: You know I can’t afford to do that.
Daughter: I’ll pay for it.
Mother: I don’t feel safe driving strange cars long distances.
Daughter: It seems to me that if you wanted to come badly enough you’d make one of these options work. (CONFRONTATION/Interruption of rescues)
Mother: How dare you say that! (SWITCH to PERSECUTER) You know how hard I’ve worked all my life and how much I look forward to going on this vacation. Every time I get the chance to enjoy myself something happens – it’s not my fault. I’d be there if I could! You need to take that back right now! Take it back.
Daughter: I’m sorry. (SWITCH to VICTIM) I shouldn’t have said that.
I'll likely tie this in to my transactional analysis studies in the future. For now, read more here:
Karpman's Drama Triangle
Posts
6 comments:
Emily, I had just been posing the question to myself of how to know whether I was enabling or truly helping someone ... then I find this post! And, ouch! I think my biggest problem stems from #5, "Nobody asked for help." Of course, it's then not to long before I run up against sign #1, "You resent the other person."
That's so putting these 5 so succinctly ... I think I need to print them out and put them in my wallet.
P.S. Thanks for stopping by my blog the other day. It seems like we cover some of the same topics ... but in very different ways! Anyway, I'll be back!
Brenda,
I enjoy your blog and look forward to sitting down with a cup of coffee and reading more!
I read a great 1972 article related to this called "Good Guys and Sweethearts" by Amy Harris. It appeared in the Transactional Analysis Journal. I want to reread it and see if I can expand this post a bit and reference her work. I searched for a link on the web and didn't find one. Anyway, expansion on the topic to come.
This relates to a semi-philosophical point I occasionally ponder on. To whit…
*Is it ever possible to be truly altruistic?*
…in that, whenever one engages in an apparently selfless act, one always does so for some kind of personal reward – even if that reward is just to “feel good.” I think, however, that if one always bears in mind your Five Signs, one has a much better chance of getting the balance right! ;)
pepsoid
www.theprogenitor.wordpress.com
Dan,
I've been wondering about the same thing, especially as a parent. How will my children learn to serve others from a place in their hearts rather than from a place of searching for my smile of approval, etc.? The same goes for me too ... I am tired of doing things for others so I feel better about who I am. No matter how much we "do" it doesn't affect the "who" ...
I'm reconsidering my last comment. I do think that change is multidirectional: That one's change inside changes behavior outside and that one's change of behavior can lead to internal growth ... in general, though, I experience that I get stuck when I am trying to fill something internal by actions. There seems to be a more direct route: love and acceptance.
I'm not say, by the way, that seeking that "warm fuzzy feeling" one gets from doing something altruistic is a bad thing! I think one has to accept one's human nature and endeavour to be as altruistic as possible - for "perfect" altruism, like anything else, is impossible to achieve...
pepsoid/dan
www.theprogenitor.wordpress.com
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