Naming and Claiming

The Virtues

My friend has a large poster with 52 virtues framed prominently in her living space. It's very attractive -- and a great parenting tool.

Most of us don't have to hesitate to tell our children what not to do, many of us hesitate in giving them permission to do.

For instance, "Stop pulling the dog's hair!" naturally and easily charges past our lips. But, a firm "No!" followed by a permission-giving behavior such as, "show gentleness to the dog," takes more time, especially if we heard a lot of "don't"s and "you better not"s growing up.

If we name it, they will claim it. What we pay attention to will grow.

Take the above two statements into consideration with this one: "Don't be stupid!"

You've named it -- stupid -- and you've paid attention to it.

The above phrase hits home, I heard it a lot growing up. The emotion behind it was usually stronger than the emotion behind, "you can be anything you want to be," so guess which one carried more meaning to me.

When parents "name" their children, children believe them.

"Don't be lazy," can easily be turned into, "Take responsibility for your things."

"Don't be so rude," can be flipped to, "Be courteous."

We most often remark on our children's behavior when they misbehave, missing out on many opportunities throughout the day to pay attention to what they are doing well.

We can comment on their "cooperation" when they are working with us toward a goal; We can even admire their "assertiveness" when they are resisting cooperation. After all, throughout life, there will be important times to say no and hold firm to one's boundaries.

Naming the virtues within our children is much like sifting through dirt for gems. Often, within the behaviors we don't want, there is a virtue waiting to be named and claimed. It's up to us to train our eyes to find these gems and bring them forth from their vault ... rather than finding fault.

Listed below are the virtues listed in my friend's living room. Start searching for these in others ... and in yourself ... because it's hard to see in others that which you don't acknowledge within.

• assertiveness
• caring
• cleanliness
• commitment
• compassion
• confidence
• consideration
• cooperation
• courage
• courtesy
• creativity
• detachment
• determination
• diligence
• enthusiasm
• excellence
• flexibility
• forgiveness
• friendliness
• generosity
• gentleness
• helpfulness
• honesty
• honor
• humility
• idealism
• integrity
• joyfulness
• justice
• kindness
• love
• loyalty
• moderation
• modesty
• orderliness
• patience
• peacefulness
• perseverance
• purposefulness
• reliability
• respect
• responsibility
• self-discipline
• service
• tact
• thankfulness
• tolerance
• trust
• trustworthiness
• truthfulness
• understanding
• unity